Choosing the Right Battle Matters ⚔️
It helps engineering leaders achieve more.
I once had a manager who was extremely biased.
Ideas got shut down immediately if they didn’t align with his views.
I got “corrected” every time I tried something new.
Me: I’d like to promote one senior member to be a manager?
Manager: "It's not the right time."
Or
Me: I think it's worth having a dedicated role for security issues.
Manager: "You're doing it wrong."
😩
It was frustrating. These conversations often turned into hour-long arguments. I spent more time arguing than delivering.
Eventually, I stopped proposing new ideas. My team sensed the change in energy. It wasn’t good for my manager, myself, or my team.
And Then My Mindset Shifted
One day, I was complaining to my peer.
The peer gave me a simple but powerful tip:
Pick your battles
The idea: since I cannot win every fight, I should focus on what really matters.
At first, I didn’t quite get it. But I decided to try.
Surprisingly, life got easier.
I started letting go small things, and focused on what I couldn’t compromise on.
✅ I accepted his tech stack preferences, even when I disagreed.
Manager: "Why is your team migrating the service from Java to Kotlin? That won't make a difference. Stop it."
Me: "OK. What is our priority, then?"
Instead of digging in, I let it go.
As long as it made sense and didn’t hurt the team, I moved on.
✅ I followed his OKR structure, even though I had a better idea.
He preferred output-focused OKRs: things like "release X" or "complete Y tasks." I believed in outcome-driven OKRs: things that reflect real impact.
But I didn’t challenge his framework. Instead, I worked around it. I coached my team to focus on outcomes while aligning our reporting with his structure.
It wasn’t ideal, but we moved forward.
🥊 I challenged his decisions that could hurt retention.
One of my members, Brad, would like to transfer to a different team. My manager wanted me to limit Brad's options and steered him to a team my manager preferred, disregarding Brad's preference of another team.
I disagreed with this approach, so I escalated to my skip manager. Eventually, some senior members from the preferred team spoke to Brad and promoted the team. Brad chose that team, but through his own decision, not manipulation.
It wasn’t the approach my manager wanted, but it was a topic worth fighting for. If Brad was forced to move, it would impact his retention.
Life Became Easier
It wasn’t perfect, but my new mindset helped me move forward.
I used to spend three hours arguing on three different topics. After my mindset shifted, I spent only one hour arguing on one thing that mattered.
It was less draining. I showed up with more energy.
My team became more efficient.
People felt supported.
And I didn’t burn myself out.
Choosing the Right Battle Matters
A manager's job is to move the team forward and get things done. But we always have more on our plate than we can handle.
If you’ve been in a leadership role, you’ve probably seen it:
20 different initiatives
0 completed
It’s mostly due to prioritization, incidents, and conflicts. At the end of the day, you can only move 2-3 things forward. On top of that, if you spend all your energy fighting every disagreement, nothing gets done.
The truth is: not all managers see eye to eye. Disagreements are normal. We align our thoughts through negotiation, communication, and workarounds. Picking your battles helps you stay focused on what matters most.
You also want to consider transferring or quitting if you get stuck. But if the timing isn't right yet, try this approach. It will make your life easier, and work more impactful.
Final Words
For my manager, coincidentally, around that time we started 360 feedback. My manager received overwhelming negative feedback about his arbitrary leadership style. It turns out that I wasn't the only one 🤷.
Eventually, I moved on when the timing was right. It was a toxic work relationship, yes. But it taught me the right skill:
Perfection does not exist in leadership.
Choose your battles. Focus on impact. Let go of the rest.
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